A Writer Asked: Found something I wrote from when I was 15ish, care to give me some help with it..it’s a little weir

Christ, it stinks like the dead in here!
Chris jumped and looked up at the two figures in his doorway. His heart skidded against his chest, hammering against his ribs. Lorna marched in and made herself at home; Jason hesitated, chewing his lip.
He felt a hot flush creep its way up to his cheeks and he yanked his covers up to his chin, so only his eyes and a mop of dark hair was visible.
There was a silence, then; Right, you take his legs, Ill grab his arms.
Jason laughed.
Lorna, Im half-naked!
She shrugged carelessly. Ive seen worse. She turned to Jason. Lets hope its the top half.
Look … what are you doing here?
She pursed her lips and seemed to absorb his unkempt appearance; the dark circles around the eyes and the pale skin. To make sure youre okay, she said steadily, locking eyes with him, You are okay, arent you?
He took a long swig of the vodka, to get away from those eyes and the pain eating away at him inside. He barely noticed it sear his throat; he just knew that someone far away was telling him that it was revolting. Then it hit him: hed drunk the same brand of vodka with … it hurt to think his name. The shock of the death of his best friend reared up inside of him once more, and his stomach whirled with nausea. He took a deep breath and fought against the searing in his organs with another gulp of drink.
Mate, Jason began carefully, clapping his friend on the back, you gotta lighten up.
Chris looked slowly up at his former friend; his eyes were rimmed with red and bloodshot.
I mean … dude, cmon. He shrugged awkwardly, his hands pushed into his pockets. Jason didnt do feelings. He wouldnt want you to be all down like this. Hed want you out there, kicking the *** of the guy that fired the gun.
Great advice, fantastic; you should replace Oprah, Lorna muttered. She sank onto the bed next to Chris and swung her dark hair from her face. She had an exotic look, with widely spaced eyes and a surprised, slack mouth. No one blames you, she said in a strangely soothing voice. Youre a scrawny kid, how the hell were you supposed to help him?
This is you making me feel better? Chris mumbled, his voice gravelly, but the corner of his mouth twitched.
Oh, you know what I mean you didnt do nothing wrong, its not like you could have helped, its not like its your
Yeah, were with you mate, Jason interrupted, tapping his knuckles to his friends shoulder.
Lorna shot daggers at him, her brown eyes spitting fire. Dont interrupt me. She rolled her eyes. ****.
There was a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like hurt, but in a good way. He was laughing. Hed forgotten what it was like to laugh. It was like all the pain was just tumbling out of his mouth. He stopped to pull in air and saw Jason staring at him in alarm and started laughing again, his whole body convulsing.
The bottle slipped out of his hands and he stopped laughing at once. He looked up to see Jason with his fingers clutched around the bottle, and Lorna with her hands on her hips in a fierce tigress way.
Youre going round the bend, mate.
Give that back
Jason looked down at the vodka like it was a nuclear bomb and passed it quickly to Lorna, making Chris fall silent.
She examined the bottle and held it out to him. This is forty units, Chris! How many of these you had?
Jason shrugged, and this one monotonous movement took so much energy it was unbelievable. What are you, my mother? he grumbled irritably. He made to grab it but she pulled it out of his reach.
He could see her eyes on the cans on the floor and the empty bottles, half-hidden under his bed, and saw concern flicker in them, which was strange because Lorna was generally a hard-***. It touched him a little.
Its none of your business what I drink, he told her, but in a calmer voice.
Her eyes darkened. None of my business? Well, youre the asshole I call my friend, and Im making it my business, sunny-boy. She rolled her eyes and took a hold of his head, directing his gaze at her. How many of me are there?
He made a scene of narrowing his eyes in concentration. I dont know … he began slowly, do you have a twin?
She glowered at him and turned to Jason. Hes fine, and passed him the bottle.
But … give it back though!
Lorna glared at Jason for support.
He shifted and avoided Lornas gaze. Mate, I think youve had enough.
Im fine, ***** sake! Truth be told, hed been lightheaded for hours.
She was up in his face again, breathing her hot breath on his cheek. It sent chills up his spine. No one had been that close to him in God knows how long. He could smell coconut. You are not fine. She grabbed his shoulders. But youre going to be you hear me?
He could hear the OR ELSE and swallowed hard.

Answers:

Fairy Answered:
Pretty good, especially to have been 15(ish), very descriptive, nice dialogue.
Noticed one thing:
rimmed with red and bloodshot– this means essentially the same thing. If his eyes are bloodshot, we know they're red

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Sheree Answered:
It has a great flow and pace to the story and the character's are instantly likable. They have a good compatibility between them and their friendship is believable. It grabs my attention with the dialogue and with the friend's death is slightly intriguing. I would most certainly read on, I'm impressed. I would also agree with Fairy's comment above.



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