yo Asked: is this a good story?

i wrote this..by the way im 12 almost 13 so yea (:.i so yeah telll me if you like and rate 1-10 1 bad 10 good….btw im just a teen so sorry for the english and yeaa

tears down my eyes, i whispered to him "why did you have to leave me so early, i love you justin…rest in peace baby." the funeral was over and i was in my room on the floor crying when my mom walked in, walked to me and whispered in my ear "its gonna be alright, you will be okay." i didnt have any words, just tears. " my life, my love, my heart, my everything, my baby….is gone mom." my mom just held me in her arms and reassured me it would be okay until i fell into a deep sleep…my alarm clock went off so i got up and got ready for school…but still thinking of my baby. at school people kept looking at me and whispering..and my friends were weiry about talking to me but in a low voice natelie asked "are you okay?" tears were streaming down my face as i began to cry harder and i whispered "yes." it was last class, 5 minutes until the bell rang and i was writing about the best times of my life with my baby…and how everytime he said those magic words i love you i fell in love all over again..

a year had passed, same routene as the last..it was last class and we had 10 more minutes till the bell rang and i was writing in my journal about him…but it was the last page of the 6 journals i had written in about him…and my teacher Mrs. Higgs called me out and asked me to see her after class…so the bell rang, the kids left and it was just me and Mrs. Higgs talked about me writing in my journals so often..she usually took the journal everyday. She said that she had looked in the journal and she knew it wasent right bt that she was wondering what the story was i replied "justin, my world died, and this journal is about everything i lvoed and had with him"…tears were straming down my face… i had to get away so i quickly grabbed my journal from her hand picked up my stuff and ran out the door of the school and ran for probably a mile and sat down at a lamp post. the sun was going down and i was still there, thinking. all of a sudden this boy with the bluest sparkling soft eyes and black shiny hair walks up and asks if he can sit with me and i reply "yes" he introduces himslef as caleb but he said i could call him aiden and we talk for hours and hours…it was probably 10 pm and he said he should probably go but he would walk me home and i just stood there…there was no way i was goin gome.. my mom was a drug addict and my dad was abusive. he whispered "do you have a place to go" and i started crying again. he said " here just come home with me. you can sleep in my brothers bed while he is gone." i was in my bed and watching tv and aiden came in and layed on the bed with me and watched tv with me and we fell asleep that way..

i woke up at about 8 am and wrote a not " thank you so much for letting me stay…i love you aiden…you made me feel like i was worth something …i love you…i will be at the same spot tonight if you want to talk.

so i was at the same spot and aiden ran up to me, picked me up and kissed my on the lips and whispered i love you to katelyn. I had told him about justin and things had gotton so much better(:


Sam Answered:

lemonhead Answered:
You need to be more in depth. Not just say. Oh I saw him and we kissed sayyy: A man stood on the other corner, waititng, for something, I saw his face in sunlight. It was much clearer. HE saw and smiled too as we embraced in a desperate kiss. Desperate for love, desperate for hope. For he was my love.

i believe the plot of the story is good, like a girl getting gets her heart broken from someone whom passed away. i think you shoul add more detail on how he died and memories they had together.

and the last part kinda ruins it, how she meets a new guy , and is telling her she loves him right away? i mean how about you just put in that shes happy she met a guy so caring as he.
and just stuff like that, good luck hun :)

i like it though i really doo.

Got a better answer? Share it below!

Tagged with:

Filed under: Home Security Questions

Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!